Autistically Me

It’s coming up on a year since my official autism diagnosis. I’ve been in a really reflective mood tonight. I’ve written a post about the last year in one of the autistic groups I’m in. Problem is, now my brain won’t shut up about the topic.

Typically, I would have been asleep about 2 hours ago. But I’m waiting for the post to get posted up. It was a really emotionally hard post for me to write. It isn’t so much talking about my diagnosis story that’s tough for me, but talking about the actual autism assessment process that I can’t deal with. Maybe someday, I’ll be ready to do it, but that time is not now. Nor do I see it in my near future.

The last couple of nights have been like this and that’s the reason I didn’t film my first autistically me video today. I was exhausted. So I’m at the mercy of my blabby brain what wants to blab. Sigh…

Everyone’s favourite friendly neighbourhood autistic community activist is back. How are you lovelies? I hope everyone had a fun and safe holiday, even if you don’t celebrate anything.

We had a bit of a family Christmas thingie and one of the gifts I was given was a doll what looks like me. I still need to take a photo of her. One of my special interests is doll collecting and another is autism. So for a while, I’ve wanted to make an autistic doll. I took the doll what looks like me, put an infinity pin on her #autisticpride. Then I put a stim toy in her hand. So now she really looks like me. I’ve been trying to find a small pair of headphones that would fit her. At least for the photo. Not saying all autistic people use stim toys and wear headphones, but I certainly do and she looks like me, so…

There will be some upcoming changes in the blog soon. I want to start a vlog and attach it to this somehow. I want to make a more intimate way for the autistic community to know and connect with me, rather than just words on a page. This is fine, but it’s not the same as being able to see and hear me. So I’ll be filming on my phone soon, making some video content for this here vlog. It will be posted here, as well as on my new youtube channel. Links to follow when ready.

Hey lovelies, I’m back. It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Missed everyone! Been meaning to post. I ended up with covid for like, a month, so haven’t felt up to posting much of anything except that my voice hurt, my ears were blocked and I couldn’t breathe properly. Yeah, it sucked. Plus couldn’t talk.

I promise I haven’t gone away though. I’ve been wanting to post about some cute moments with my son that have happened recently. He’s autistic too and he tends to notice the little things most people miss. The other day, we were talking about how it’s coming up on Christmas time and he says “No, it’s not Christmas time, there’s no snow.” I mean, he wasn’t wrong… It doesn’t feel quite the same to me either with no snow sad face

He also enjoys pointing out the various infinity symbols I wear. The ones on my shirts, sweaters, jewellery, just anywhere I might be wearing infinities on me. “You got finities on you!” He says excitedly while pointing up to them. What a kitten.

He’s growing up before my eyes and I’m not sure how to feel about it. He’s 4, but sometimes he has the maturity of an 8 year old. I’m proud of him, but I do miss infancy if we’re being honest. Those cute baby noises, that fresh baby smell, wrapping him up in fuzzy blankets and sleep sacks after bottling and rocking him for about an hour in my stim chair, which used to be his room. It was a magical time. My baby has become a boy. I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s gottenso independent. Plus coming out with new sayings ebery day that make me go, where did he get that from?

Last night, as I was giving him his bath, he picked up one of his bath toys and with a mixture of pure disbelief and exasperation, he says “Oh…my…god.” I died laughing as he’s never said that before in his life, it was such a random moment and the way he delivered it. he was just like mom, I’m so over this. Lol what a kid.

Well, it’s off to post this up and listen to some TsO. Their live shows are absolutely magical. Seen them twice now. Would recommend. Goodnight lovelies.

I have my own facebook group about autism. It seems to be, that lately, there is an increase of member requests by people who don’t want to answer the group questions, or agree to the group rules. As much as I hate declining member requests from other autists, I work my butt off to ensure that this group remains a safe place for all of us and I hold everyone to the same standards.

Regardless of neurotype, you don’t have to be autistic to join my group, but everyone is expected to do their part in maintaining the safety and quality of the group. I can’t do it alone, it’s a team effort. This is the second time in the last couple months that I’ve had to issue a group reminder to everyone who wants to join

, to read and answer the questions. I’d love to watch this group grow, but everyone needs to do their part and uphold the group standards smh. If you can’t get behind the group rules, don’t join. So frustrating.

Also, I’ve kept the group rules and questions as simple and straight forward as possible, so there are no miscommunications. I didn’t make it long and wordy, basically just agree to not be a jerk, respect everyone’s space and identity, don’t spam, play nice. Standard stuff. also things like no pro

Some months back, someone asked me to write a poem about how I feel towards the autistic community. I was asked to describe my love for my fellow autists in the poem. I have a hard enough time with words as it is, I certainly can’t express this one.

think the only word I can find really, is immense. My love for the autistic community is the perfect balance of tender and fierce. Not sure how else to put it, but that’s really not much of a poem, now is it? Sigh… So it’s been months and I’ve still yet to write the poem. I’d love to write it, but I can’t seem to.

On a side note, have you ever been in a really happy stimmy, dancy hyper mood? Like, to the point where even your nd friends are like, what is going on with you! That was me yesterday evening. No particular reason, just had some happy, dancy stimmy energy to stim out. So I stimmed it out. Stimmed? Is that the right word? What is the past tense of stim? I think it should be stimmed, but that still sounds off. Heeheehee, I told you this blog was full of the random musings of a random autist lol.

Later kittens!

I just wanted to say that when you have a lightup fidget spinner what no longer lights up, you have a very, very sad autist. Sigh. I’ll miss you little spinner. Thanks for the countless hours of stimmy fun. Fare thee well.

The autistic community pointed me home, but I was the one who needed to walk the path.

The autistic community gave me the tools, but it was me who had to put together the project.

Sometimes you have to go through it to GET through it. I got through it. Went from diagnosed to fullblown autistic activist who loves herself unconditionally in 6 months. I didn’t do it alone, though. I’m truly humbled by the love, kindness and compassion of my fellow autistic people who took the time to show me the way, lovingly educate me, stand by me and give me the occasional necessary and well deserved asskicking when appropriate. I wouldn’t be here without you.

Let’s just take a moment and talk about what a welcome change in routine it’s been, changing my morning fitness walks, to night sensory walks.

My mornings are now devoted to me time, while my nights are saved for clean, crisp cool air blowing through my hair and face. Leaving me fresh smelling and new. No one is out, the streets are quiet and this autist is very content.

Perfect alternative to having a sensory room. I come in smelling all fresh and I feel all warm and fuzzy. Time to make some hot cocoa. Purring contentedly.

While my autism is a very deeply cherished and sacred part of my identity, to which I am truly thankful for, I could wear my autistic pride pins anywhere if it were purely about my own identity. That’s not why I specifically wear my autistic pride pins over my heart.

It is because it represents the love I have for the autistic community, which somehow manages to get bigger and bigger every day. Not sure how something so immense can continue to get stronger. But it does. Plus they allow me to keep the autistic community with me everywhere I am. And now you know.